So a lot has happened. But I'll just continue the story. So me and Pj sleep and wake up the next day and it was still like.. the same. we still acted the same. I stayed a while and helped clean up because his mom was coming home later that night. Then we went to cookout with his friend cory. Then he took me to my car which was at Brittany's house. We said goodbye and it was kinda awkward because his friend was there. I didn't know what to say. So that day I texted him and said "I had a really good time with you in case you were wondering :)" now I fee like an idiot.. but w/e
So Natalie's party. Fucking Sucked Ass. it was sooo weird and when PJ got there it was sooo awkward. Neither of us knew what to do. But I went up to him and he gave me a hug.. and we talked a little and hung out at the party. I was tired and high. Then there was all this drama.. this bitch josie I used to work with started talking shit about gay people.. while there was like... tons of lesbians at this house.. and her fucking boyfriend ben spivey punched pj and tringas in the face... because they were telling them to leave for starting all this drama and brinigng a fucking bee bee gun and waving it around. Like fucking retards.
Unfortunately I missed this because I was trying to just lay down on the couch. There was one time when I walked outside and it was dark. I sat at the fire pit and lit a cig and I heard pj say "No I couldn't do that I would feel like I just commited insest. and then "o shit is she right there" and then they shutup.
Basically it was just... one of the worst nights of my life and now I couldn't tell if he was talking about me or not. So later when there weren't people outside I asked him if he meant what he said. And then tringas came over. and then pj was just like... when i said what..?? this is not something to talk about in public. So he eventually left.. and I tried to get Tringas to talk to me but he just.. wouldn't. He was drunk as shit but damn... sooo weird.
Soo he left.. then I left and he texted me like I don't know what you heard me say but I wasn't trying to be a huge dick or anything. soo yeah texts.... stuff..I apoligize for getting mad he says he doesn't regret anything and that its just a little awkward knowing me so long.
And i tell him other things and that I've always liked him.
Sooo he never answers the phone when I called him.. once. and he never responded again. I text tringas and tell him I was sorry for bothering him all night and I was just goin through some shit. he never.. just like.. he jsut ignored it. fucking weird. and I had just hung out with tringas right before I went to Pj's.
I actually talked to Amanda about all this bullshit and it made me feel a lot better.
Soooooooo I was distracting myself from Erich with PJ. and so I started distracting myself with Mike Yocom. I hung out in his hotel for like three days. almost fucked but didn't. He really likes me and he didn't want to fuck that up. We talked about it... because holy fuck hes sooo fucking hot. his body is amazing. So we just hung out watching movies and stuff. made out a bit. I'm glad I didn't sleep with him even though I wanted to at the time. I would probably feel reallly shitty about myself. I like him and everything but I dont' want to date anyone.
The second I left Mikes I started thinking about PJ again. I hate this feeling. Not knowing whats going on. Not knowing if anything will ever happen. I want so badly to just talk to him.
Been talking to Josiah about all these happenings... So strange... Josiah is awesome. Visited Jason Monroe last night. Saw Devyn. Devyn looks more and more like her sister every time I see her. Her voice. Her manurisms... god it freaked me out.. I couldn't stop looking at her... Me and Jason looked at his old photos of Kristen.. So fucking gorgeous. I love her so much... I miss her soo much.. it doesn't feel any better. I can't get over this. I don't think I ever will.
Me and Brittany are just partners in crime smoking weed.... avoiding problems. Running away from emotions. The emotional trauma... is working great as a weight loss tool. I just haven't had an apetite since I broke up with Erich. Who I still... feel so guilty about. I hope hes ok.. I really hope hes ok.
I just.. don't know anymore.
Its interesting to see who your friends are. I know that Natalie is not my friend. I would like to think that she is my friend. She would like to think she has friends. I don't know her anymore. Shit maybe I never knew her. But I don't want to give to this friendship that will never give back. She has never been there for me and she never will be. Alex me.. everyone has gone through this with her before. The feeling of neglect from her. She spreads herself so thin to I dont know... make her not feel so lonely. But really... who the fuck knows Natalie? I sure as hell don't. She makes you feel like shes your best friend. But shes constantly searching for something more interesting. Someone more interesting. Shes just someone who will never be satisfied. And thats, very sad. Shes trying to fill a gap. But .. Shes just not.. even human to me anymore. Shes not a bitch. Thats not the word... Her nonchalant passive agressive attitude makes her a Dick. Girl you're just a no good dick. She is dissapointing.