Kaitlyn (sweetinsanity00) wrote,

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Where Is My Mind?

I wanna get the placebo cd.... i also kinda want manson.. ha.

I .. wasn't upset about school starting in but a day.. but now all of a sudden.. realization that itsj sut more... and i dont want to be anxious agian.. i have been fighting it and let me tell you its not easy.. but i cant let myself be come completly carefree either cus i can imagine that could be dangerous. I want to smoke.. i want to smoke more. i want to kill off my body real slow some days.. lots of days.. somedays i want to save myself desperatly.. I drew another farie. not that it matters... so i should make a list .. yeah .. lists help..

Why am I a timid bitch?
*influence of mom
*genetics of mom
*my warped mind
*being too sensitive
*i feel if i dont worry things will go wrong.

well no more reasons.. im jsut screwed... uhm..

I really wantto be on something right now. i kinda miss meth. i mean the com down wasnt nearly as bad as adarall. i dont want to .. its sad that things.. reasons evolve.... will i become someoen who cant be socially comfortable unless im drunk? will i do drugs only to escape reality? no.

sometimes i lie to myself. i lie to my mom alot i want a cig. i want to be able to smoke.. rightn ow and its all i can think about .. and the rhythm of the keys.. under my fingers is so good i even contemplate swallowing ... naw i woulndt down tussin agian. valium? always open to it.

im only rambling in stupid nothing nothing nothing.... i feel very blank .. lost .. lonly wat not... itsnot.. i dont .. like.... being aware. i want to be intensly... watching.. listening.. i want to get out of this fucking ugly world. i thougth about .. wat this world is all day. wat is this world? society? thing... cage... millions of ppeople die.. starve commit suicide.. fail ... there are homeless.. gangs... crack whores..and i feel bad for every one of them. heroin addicts.. alcoholics.. food addicts, x taking ravers that are so completly vegetable from taking so much acid tonight... people who drop out of school.. people that dont smoke getting lung cancer and walking chimneys developing breast cancer. and if you arnt a burn out wat are you?? rich because of your fucking dad and his fucking multi bilionair company? are you out taking drugs too? and partying and stealing for the fucking hell of it and its not ike dady cant get you out of jail but dady wont pay for that abortion. fucking sluts. and lonely virgins. and innocent homeschooled kids.. wil they stay shelterd? do i wish i were one... kept hidden from all this shit. but are they happy? no. they have no friends cuz the rest of the world is tyed with satan. dirty heathens walking the street.. o lord no. when your in fucking.. factories or plants .. being exposed to chemicals.. and dyeing.. and the child labor kids.. are they happy? soo your rich. you got a decent job well then your a workaholic and wat do you do when you come home? you dont even know your kids names.. the color of your wifes eyes.. and you come home and grab your bag of coke. and paass out. the euphoria is too much to pass up isnt it? and who is happy? irony and lies.. and hate and love everywhere is too much to handle in this.. "world" i think its morel ike a uncontroled disorganized lump off dryed up clay.. i dunno if we will moveany further... stay in school be happy later? hwow about an equally balanced life.. how about it.. who wants to grow up and look back and regret half their life.. believe in art. even beleive in god. but are religious fanatics happy? nooo fucking way. they are too dissapointed with the rest of the world and disapointed wit htheir failed attempts to convert the whole damn thing. peopel are dumb and we repeat as every sitcom every cartoon every childhood brain washing tool...


ashes ashes... we all fall down dont we?

No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Now you're back with dope demand
I'm on sinking sand
No escaping gravity
No escaping... not for free
I fall down... hit the ground
Make a heavy sound
Every time you seem to come around
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