Journal Entry: Fri Aug 12, 2005, 7:40 PM
I feel like im deteriorating lately.
I'm not worrying.... well i am alittle.. but...
I'm not feeling...
I want whats in my head and i cant get to the visions the places...
I swear i keep trying but i get .. further down..
I'm leaving.. ive been leaving
Fuck all you mother fucking cunts...
mumbling under your breath.. i swear to god... im going to end up breaking a chair over my dads head.... i cant stand... him talking to himself.. holding conversations
conversations he doesnt know he has..
and my mother .... i will laugh forever if she grows up before i do.
i layed in bed for hours again..
awww emo fuck crawled under the covers to hide her pain today
i swear the next time someone says oo kaitlyn christine... you are so emo! i swear.. i dont need it. emo doesnt need cunts around...
the next time i get left out.. the next time i get locked in the cabnet...... the next time i am lied to... i wont ... beLIEve.
tv.... is disgusting and holds.... hell..... the eternal bunring fire within the idiot box... has been..
The whole living room smells like a bar.. i wish dad wouldnt do that. he goes to a bar and when he comes home he smells more like cigarettes than i do.
I love to smoke because my brain loves to smoke. i do wat my brain tells me to do. I guess you could say it controls me.
lately my body has been falling apart...
and my fingers go numb... when i sit a certain way... i cant sleep because every which turning... disrupts my blood flow... my veins are too sensitive.. would if i dont stop.. bleeding... i mean it gets heavy and the blood... drips and splashes over my hands and paper cups and my mirror.. is spotted.. speckled with dna.
lately, my brain has been deteriorating..
I am not on drugs. tonight i sound stoned
tonight it may seem as though the fingers which hit this sticky clicky keys are conected to a brain which is high as a kite
but they are not. some nights... i sit here....
coverd in bugs. but im not coverd... bugs .. come out... alot .. i dont like it.. big fucking spiders.
some people some people some people yeah they call me insaaane....
someepople.. say i am weird all the time and there for.. its as if no one can handle me. some people get strange... msot people hide it and then their are those ... like me. but there arent those like me there is just i and myself. and sometimes ... bad things happen. i dont want to be alone! i dont. i dont like to be lost and crazy.
sometimes.. the bus driver misses your stop and there you are 5 years old gripping onto the brown leathery peeling seat infront of your face... swaying and bobbing to the lack of working seat belts. and the pink rainy sky over apartments.. and streets you have never seen... flip by and the big 5th grader reasures your wide eyes...
the next time someone thinks of children and looks at me
the next time someone says "sex" and looks at me.
everyone, learn.. pay attention to the fact that iii am a virgin.
I smeelll like someone who hasnt showerd all day.. i didnt have enough motherfuckingcocksucking will to clean this body im stuck in.
queen elizabeth was soo not a virgin.
i would love to smoke weed.. at this moment.
fuck up this body.
The big vein under my chin pulses and reminds me that its there... and its hurting and its stuck..
i wait for the day when the blood clots and i turn to rubber.
i cant believe...
This has been another free write,
brought to you by The number B and, Kaitlyn.
Thats whats really up inside my head, but i promise i'll try not to type liek that too much it scares me.
the phones ringing.....
ah kristen is comin to get american history x.
that was a really fuckin good movie
havnt had a political discussion like that in a while... i love opening eyes..... well more i love my eyes being opened..
i want my belly button pierced.. noooooow.
i dont think i want anything more than that right now and that makes me think damn.
I live for nothing.
I don't think i'm right enough to have someone for me anytime soon.. much less stable.. but im pretty good... acutally im more stable than i usually am.
I feel like my brains health is better than my bodies health at least... lately...
I'm stronger than you think and im going to prove the bitches wrong one day.
download bloodsport by sneaker pimps
drive and drink carefully
sit thru brainwashing carefully kids
be safe when your brushing the crocks teeth child....
money saving suicide? i think so.
where is my tongue ... where are my words off to to day
i think a tongue ring is soo nat
i think nipple rings are soo amanda
i think one earing is soo john
i think one nipple ring is soo tom
i think the cuff ring is soo my sister
i think lip ring is very leigh
i think eyebrow ring is so jessy
so wat do i get? ::
i want.. belly ring.. garr im going in on the attack soon... im trying to figure out the right time to pounce for piercing...
god why cant we all jsut be beautifl with artistic expression...
motherfucking bitch ccccunt..... i hate.... i dispize....
I think its sweet of you.....
I like sneaker pimps.