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Friday, November 29th, 2013
7:33 pm
I am troubled with things like what do my dreams mean, or am I mean? Was I mean today earlier was what I said curlier when I thought what I wanted to say was a straight line and I'm not straight but I'll be straightforward with my decision to shape my life into something with more mass and shapeshift the person I am today into who I will be but already lives inside a shell of yesterday and now. And I won't be tied up in ribbons of passing time which drifts and crumples on the floor, I won't be caught up in the dagger of aging wormholes as it rips from my soul and stretches behind me and everywhere I've been before. I could move forward, or I could stay where I've made a goddamn nest made of the feeling and finally shattered belief that I deserve to hold myself back that back when I was younger I made a deal to myself today that I would never forgive myself but I have broken this pact. back before I wondered into where I am today I wanted nothing more to disappear and today I am proud to say that I only desire the full opposite of that less than higher fate because I am fated to be magical and I am destined to be extraordinary and I give no fucks if anyone else knows it to be true. You are what you live for live for yourself forget your self leave your baggage on shelves and burn them down to ashes released into the void. I am attached to no set course other than the one I pave myself. yoga paint yoga paint yoga paint yoga paint. I'm going to write I must write I must sing.
Open yourself up to something else something new don't hold yourself back. look up yoga classes write down when and what you owe money to.

I'm this journey and I'm caught up with normal things of everyday things. I know that water is affected by magnetic pulls I can't think linearly spirals waves spirals and waves and the way things come in and out.

paint.

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Saturday, September 28th, 2013
3:31 am
I think that change to happen for me. I try to reflect as much as I can but I must stay present as well. I do not own anyone. I will let go of how I feel. I must let go of everything I keep finding attachment to. All of it is inevitably temporary and things will unfold the way they should. Sometimes I just need to take my own advice. Convert your love into the kind that never leaves. Channel it into all things creative and make beautiful pain striken art. I think thats what you need to do. Why are you so hurt that he doesn't want you? Why are you so worried it will hurt when he loves someone else? It's because you think that it reflects your beliefs of inadequacy. You are not inadequate. You are perfect just the way you are. Stop being attached to the things you love but also what you hate about yourself. Let go of beating yourself up for guilt for guilt of destruction. Love the fact that you are a fucking kind person. You're beautiful inside and out and you are surrounded by so much love. You have a wonderful family and a beautiful past.  Its time to let go of things people have said to you. Fuck em. You have already lived a thousand lives. delve into your mind. I want to spend time alone now and I'm turned off from the idea of being with someone. I think everyone around me is placed around me for a reason. I'm going to continue to fall in love with myself and it doesn't matter what anyone says. I love my brain. I love that my body isn't perfect. I love that my nose is crooked. I love that I say stupid shit sometimes. I can finally give myself permission to give myself a break. You are flawed and that is tragically beautiful. Be grateful to see the sunlight hit the trees. That is what you'll miss when you're gone. It's ok. You are a typical creative force that wants to cave in on itself and that's ok. It's ok to feel lost and corrupted and useless and confused. You're fucking smart. It's ok. it's ok and things will turn and change and all this is temporary. It is fleeting. 

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Monday, May 6th, 2013
9:57 pm
I'm trying very hard to get a grip on being an adult. I want to love myself and do things and be happy and in love and blah blah blah.

It's the space between the kicks, the nights which cause you to wake with such dryness and inflammation of the soul. Dehydrated ego in a plastic bag soaked in sugar. I look for content behind other people's eyes, and I must say that I rarely find what I am looking for. Is what I want so shallow, so petty and driven by self obsession that I'm missing the point? I want to be loved! I want to be loved! If I am not loved than what am I? What of it? I overlook myself. Why am I not content with myself? I feel guilty or abandoned and unworthy of love because I am not all the things I expect of myself at this point. I see success and I know I could be better. But what does it matter if I achieve anything? I want to love and care for others. If I'm not doing that I don't feel important. If I'm not helping someone else with their terrible inner struggles than what am I doing? Writhing in my own inner struggles? Fretting about what I'm not doing? I am a very intelligent worthy beautiful human being. I think I actually believe it to a point but it falls short of that all embracing love that I have only been capable of giving to others at this point. I must forgive myself for being.

I have to remind myself that those things happened before and bad things happen to people all the time and I will not let it all define me. I must remain kind to myself for what I've been through and it does not hold me captive. If I have been anxious before that does not mean that I am always going to be anxious and I can be whatever I want. I don't need to bind myself by things that I have done or what others have done to me. It is time to move forward. Please, move forward.

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Friday, January 18th, 2013
10:37 pm
I feel like I don't even know how to journal anymore. It feels so stupid to be writing to my self right now. But I know that I am unsettled. I need to give myself a break. I keep beating myself up for not being absolutely perfect and to my full potential. I have quit smoking and my mood is swinging around jerking me around. I don't know why I feel strange about henry. I'm so scared I think. Because he seems wonderful and I jsut went through losing something to quickly that I also thought was wonderful and I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I'm so scared of thinking this is something or that it may blossom into something very beautiful even though it already is. I can't be scared. I'm watching myself so that I don't become disappointed but I feel like I'm not allowing myself to see how wonderful this is. It's not like the others, he's not. I just feel so tugged around I'm not comfortable feeling excited. I feel pretty antsy being alone in the apartment like this. I still feel very lonely somehow and I just want to  be all curled up in his arms again already. I think he's a wonderful person.
Everything is ok. I feel I've been very aware and awake.
I feel a weight of sadness and I hope it's just stress and I don't want to do anything I just want to live. I just want to wander and observe and talk and feel and touch.. smell the world.
I am having a sudden aversion to school work. I can get rhough this I'm just tired everything is ok.
What the fuck is wrong with me.

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Monday, December 31st, 2012
1:08 am
To do at home

- Look for tent poles
- Register gps
- Fix glasses
- give mom tights to return

To do in Asheville

 -Groceries
  bread
  cheese
  tomatoes
  beans
  cous cous
  quinoa
  kale
  veggie patties
-Gas

-Make eye appointment
-Get car estimate
-Get hair cut

Payments

- pay care credit bill $25
- electric bill $45
- new rent $130


School

- Finish filling out forms
- 1 paragraph on yoga class
- 2 pg paper on breathing
- 1 prego massage form
- 3 makeup trade massages
- Tutorial 6pm friday



I feel like I'm constantly fighting my brains urge to label and separate and categorize everything. It wants to find a pattern when there is none. I keep catching myself be judgmental. I keep catching myself when I am not happy or loving and projecting such a worn out appearance onto others. I'm never going to love myself if I keep beating myself up about my weight but it's confusing. People act like its so important and then tell me that it;s not. I want to be better. I keep missing people I love still. I'm so scrambled my head is racing with faces of those I've lost but their time is passed why can't they be let go? Yet they live in and long last they live among the iris as crevices and colors upon the glass of my lense. Through looking glass eyes I see them come and they go and they come and they make me come and I love them and they go and I miss them when they go why must you always leave? Why must the film tear when the good part has only begun? When things start to feel good when I know it wont be long anyway? I wish I could absorb some of their dust so I would never wash them off of me. So that I could never pick their remnants from underneath my nails. Its cold, and if only I collected enough pieces of those I adore I would have an entire sweater of warmth or more. If only the feelings that they left could keep me warm.

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Sunday, November 4th, 2012
7:55 pm
Everything is upside down. I'm in love with myself, I'm in love with my choice of profession and my job is awesome. I've been meeting such wonderful creative souls. Everything has been moving so fast. I think I've fallen so far, I think I'm in love and it's so heavy. I'ts distracting and painful and scary and I never want to see him hurt like that. I wish I knew better how to help someone that went through what he did. I hate seeing him in pain. He still has so much growing up to do but I love him all the same. and it will end and it will pass but right now it's intense and beautiful. 

I need to say no more often. I feel like I'm always fighting something and that something is usually myself. I feel drained and afraid and I think I'm just tired and hormonal. 

How heavy a weight can my chest take of you curled up in the nest 

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Monday, July 6th, 2009
5:01 pm - Under My Voodoo

 So a lot has happened.  But I'll just continue the story. So me and Pj sleep and wake up the next day and it was still like.. the same. we still acted the same. I stayed a while and helped clean up because his mom was coming home later that night. Then we went to cookout with his friend cory. Then he took me to my car which was at Brittany's house. We said goodbye and it was kinda awkward because his friend was there. I didn't know what to say. So that day I texted him and said "I had a really good time with you in case you were wondering :)" now I fee like an idiot.. but w/e 
So Natalie's party. Fucking Sucked Ass. it was sooo weird and when PJ got there it was sooo awkward. Neither of us knew what to do. But I went up to him and he gave me a hug.. and we talked a little and hung out at the party. I was tired and high. Then there was all this drama.. this bitch josie I used to work with started talking shit about gay people.. while there was like... tons of lesbians at this house.. and her fucking boyfriend ben spivey punched pj and tringas in the face... because they were telling them to leave for starting all this drama and brinigng a fucking bee bee gun and waving it around. Like fucking retards. 

Unfortunately I missed this because I was trying to just lay down on the couch. There was one time when I walked outside and it was dark. I sat at the fire pit and lit a cig and I heard pj say "No I couldn't do that I would feel like I just commited insest. and then "o shit is she right there" and then they shutup.
Basically it was just... one of the worst nights of my life and now I couldn't tell if he was talking about me or not. So later when there weren't people outside I asked him if he meant what he said. And then tringas came over. and then pj was just like... when i said what..?? this is not something to talk about in public. So he eventually left.. and I tried to get Tringas to talk to me but he just.. wouldn't. He was drunk as shit but damn... sooo weird. 
Soo he left.. then I left and he texted me like I don't know what you heard me say but I wasn't trying to be a huge dick or anything. soo yeah texts.... stuff..I apoligize for getting mad  he says he doesn't regret anything and that its just a little awkward knowing me so long.

And i tell him other things and that I've always liked him.

Sooo he never answers the phone when I called him.. once. and he never responded again. I text tringas and tell him I was sorry for bothering him all night and I was just goin through some shit. he never.. just like.. he jsut ignored it. fucking weird. and I had just hung out with tringas right before I went to Pj's. 

I actually talked to Amanda about all this bullshit and it made me feel a lot better. 

Soooooooo I was distracting myself from Erich with PJ. and so I started distracting myself with Mike Yocom.  I hung out in his hotel for like three days. almost fucked but didn't. He really likes me and he didn't want to fuck that up. We talked about it... because holy fuck hes sooo fucking hot. his body is amazing. So we just hung out watching movies and stuff.  made out a bit. I'm glad I didn't sleep with him even though I wanted to at the time. I would probably feel reallly shitty about myself. I like him and everything but I dont' want to date anyone. 

The second I left Mikes I started thinking about PJ again. I hate this feeling. Not knowing whats going on. Not knowing if anything will ever happen. I want so badly to just talk to him. 
Been talking to Josiah about all these happenings... So strange... Josiah is awesome. Visited Jason Monroe last night. Saw Devyn. Devyn looks more and more like her sister every time I see her. Her voice. Her manurisms... god it freaked me out.. I couldn't stop looking at her... Me and Jason looked at his old photos of Kristen.. So fucking gorgeous. I love her so much... I miss her soo much.. it doesn't feel any better. I can't get over this. I don't think I ever will. 

Me and Brittany are just partners in crime smoking weed.... avoiding problems. Running away from emotions. The emotional trauma... is working great as a weight loss tool. I just haven't had an apetite since I broke up with Erich. Who I still... feel so guilty about. I hope hes ok.. I really hope hes ok. 

I just.. don't know anymore.

Its interesting to see who your friends are. I know that Natalie is not my friend. I would like to think that she is my friend. She would like to think she has friends. I don't know her anymore. Shit maybe I never knew her. But I don't want to give to this friendship that will never give back. She has never been there for me and she never will be.  Alex me.. everyone has gone through this with her before. The feeling  of neglect from her. She spreads herself so thin to I dont know... make her not feel so lonely. But really... who the fuck knows Natalie? I sure as hell don't. She makes you feel like shes your best friend. But shes constantly searching for something more interesting. Someone more interesting. Shes just someone who will never be satisfied. And thats, very sad. Shes trying to fill a gap. But .. Shes just not.. even human to me anymore.  Shes not a bitch. Thats not the word... Her nonchalant passive agressive attitude makes her a Dick. Girl you're just a no good dick. She is dissapointing.



 

 



current mood: disappointed

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Sunday, March 26th, 2006
9:12 pm
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66%
Stability |||||| 23%
Orderliness |||||||||| 33%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 43%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Materialism |||||||||||||| 56%
Narcissism |||||| 23%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 70%
Conflict seeking |||||| 30%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||||||||| 43%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63%
Wealth |||||| 30%
Dependency |||||||||||||| 56%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 70%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Vanity |||||||||||||| 56%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.


trait snapshot:

craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose

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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
10:30 pm
I am 68% Grunge.
Grunge as Hell!
I am pretty dirty, all right and, I reek of teen spirit... I would sell my own children for a moldy hotpocket, man.



I am 43% Raver.
Sort of a Raver.
Well, I may have been to a rave. I probably know a bunch of ravers, but they may think of me as an outsider. That's okay, at least I am not a complete freak.



I am 40% Idiot.
Ain't Too Bright
I ain't too bright. But all those other idiots annoy the hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but at least I know my limits.



I am 34% Asshole/Bitch.
Part Time Asshole/Bitch.
I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.



I am 23% Emo.
Anti-Emo  ...hrmph.
Okay... so I'm not emo at all.. I am probably not even goth, because goths are just messed up emo kids... I am probably a metal head... or into boy bands...



I am 34% Goth.
Slave to Goth.
Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.



I am 48% Hippie.
Wanna Be Hippie!
I need to step away from the tie-dye. I smell too good to be a hippie and my dad is probably a cop. Being a hippie is not a fashion craze, man. It was a way of life, in the 60’s, man.



I am 71% Evil Genius.
Deceitful & Crazy!
Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

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Saturday, November 26th, 2005
10:23 pm - I'm Just Sitting In My Car And Waiting For My Girl.
yesterday i watched harry potter. gooooood movie. than i got high. today i took egg photos and watched batman begins. gooooooood movie duh. I could watch that movie a million fucking times. Tonight I ate sushi. Yesterday I was at the mall... than I slept over natalies. I cant remember anything. nothing. I can't remember what eles... ah yes thanksgiving. and than thanksgiving#2. my lips are too chapped. I want to love. I'm ready to be loved. I hate reality. I honestly do. why am I sitll alive? pure curiosty, and maybe alittle bit of will. but theres nothing life is for. honestly. I've been so happy. I'm glad. I don't want to fall. and even now.. I'm just so glad... I have ... flashbacks... like i know my hypocampus is being destroyed but at the same time.. i feel recreated.. reborn.. introduced to the things .. visions ... I have seen before... and theres still a conection but new conections are not alwyas bad... the search continues.. on... I love system of a down with pure passion. I love them. i loove them. and no.. i don't have the new cd... I'll get that for x-mas. I love the world, i love the life I've lived and the things I've seen. I CAN NOT FORGET THESE THINGS THOUGH. I CAN NOT LOSE MYSELF. do not forget who you are. yeah eyah lion king was sending me a subliminal life message.
Do not forget who you are.
Do not forget where you have been.
Do not forget what you have done.
Do not forget the people you have known, seen, spoken to, loved, learned from.
Do not forget your will.
Do not forget your happiness.
Do not forget what you have worked for.
Do not forget beauty.
Do not forget the touch and smell in those few memories left.
Do not forget the emotions, memories... in the music you hear.
Do not forget the sounds you have heard.

Don't forget the snow... the sky long car rides.. giggle fits fights tears.. love... parties.. grandparents... the family room.. the toys.. hte erie county fair... don't do it. don't just forget what it looks like.. be there. go there.

be complete.
don't break.
I fell.... remember?

Always return somehow..

time is terrifying..

i must not jsut focus on myself though.

"it is not who you are inside, but what you do that defines you."

and that.. funny it is being a freaking batman quote.. is still motivational.. the will i need.. to get through school. i have to be able to shoow. what i am. what I know that is up to societies standards anyway.

people say that drugs are for those who can not handle reality. but o I can handle reality.

I can kick reality's ass.

Reality isn't enough. fantasy.. books, movies, stories, music, art, visions, photos, paintings, DREAMS.
Are all, taking reality and scrambling it in with dreams.. jsut rearanging what reality has given us.. and making it.. what we know.. I think this was in what dreams may come.. how nothing is really original... only... rearranged.. altered... I mean look. what is a dragon? a dinosaur or a big lizard. what is a unicorn.. well obviously that horse with a horn..and those are the most simple of examples.... colors.. in paintings.. jsut rearranged to make something beautiful.. but reality gives us those colors in the first place. mold.. clay.. the human brain... songs.. are music.. is insane.. it has soo much... potential.. it has everywhere to go.. and us humans have to take it there..
I know i have to really.. do well in school.. to get ... passed... and i will..
i feel very strong...

I know its stupid.. but when im real depressed i force my face to physically smile.. and it tricks my brain.. it works i swear. and thats all that matters.... pills... good god... evil.. anti depression pills are evil.

drugs. take you away from reality. no matter if you used them for recreational purposes in the beginning... which i did.. they change.. all i wanted to do last night.. in the middle of the night was get high. these past days.. all i coudl think was... why can't i be high all the time? thats the mind of an addict for you.. only a taste. and even though I see it.. i have seeen into it and around it... I still can't give myself to a drug. because i won't be whole. even though.. i really love it i do. I have to keep in mind that its not the answear to everything. but it is easy and wonderful.


I am alive.... to see. I see I... I am alive to experience. thats it. not all.. but ...





don't forget. thats all. don't lose it all.

But I do think I'm going to go lose myself to some paper and a certain mechanical pencil..... or sega...
i love video games.



memory dies with time.. time creates new.. time kills you. time is your life.



I love you,
everysinglefuckingoneofyou.
good night.

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, November 11th, 2005
2:00 pm
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66%
Stability |||||| 26%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 46%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 63%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||| 16%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||||||| 36%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||| 30%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||| 50%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Physical security |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||| 57%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||||||||| 50%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
12:16 am - Where Is My Mind?
I wanna get the placebo cd.... i also kinda want manson.. ha.


I .. wasn't upset about school starting in but a day.. but now all of a sudden.. realization that itsj sut more... and i dont want to be anxious agian.. i have been fighting it and let me tell you its not easy.. but i cant let myself be come completly carefree either cus i can imagine that could be dangerous. I want to smoke.. i want to smoke more. i want to kill off my body real slow some days.. lots of days.. somedays i want to save myself desperatly.. I drew another farie. not that it matters... so i should make a list .. yeah .. lists help..

Why am I a timid bitch?
*pot
*influence of mom
*genetics of mom
*john
*my warped mind
*being too sensitive
*i feel if i dont worry things will go wrong.
*

well no more reasons.. im jsut screwed... uhm..



I really wantto be on something right now. i kinda miss meth. i mean the com down wasnt nearly as bad as adarall. i dont want to .. its sad that things.. reasons evolve.... will i become someoen who cant be socially comfortable unless im drunk? will i do drugs only to escape reality? no.



sometimes i lie to myself. i lie to my mom alot i want a cig. i want to be able to smoke.. rightn ow and its all i can think about .. and the rhythm of the keys.. under my fingers is so good i even contemplate swallowing ... naw i woulndt down tussin agian. valium? always open to it.

im only rambling in stupid nothing nothing nothing.... i feel very blank .. lost .. lonly wat not... itsnot.. i dont .. like.... being aware. i want to be intensly... watching.. listening.. i want to get out of this fucking ugly world. i thougth about .. wat this world is all day. wat is this world? society? thing... cage... millions of ppeople die.. starve commit suicide.. fail ... there are homeless.. gangs... crack whores..and i feel bad for every one of them. heroin addicts.. alcoholics.. food addicts, x taking ravers that are so completly vegetable from taking so much acid tonight... people who drop out of school.. people that dont smoke getting lung cancer and walking chimneys developing breast cancer. and if you arnt a burn out wat are you?? rich because of your fucking dad and his fucking multi bilionair company? are you out taking drugs too? and partying and stealing for the fucking hell of it and its not ike dady cant get you out of jail but dady wont pay for that abortion. fucking sluts. and lonely virgins. and innocent homeschooled kids.. wil they stay shelterd? do i wish i were one... kept hidden from all this shit. but are they happy? no. they have no friends cuz the rest of the world is tyed with satan. dirty heathens walking the street.. o lord no. when your in fucking.. factories or plants .. being exposed to chemicals.. and dyeing.. and the child labor kids.. are they happy? soo your rich. you got a decent job well then your a workaholic and wat do you do when you come home? you dont even know your kids names.. the color of your wifes eyes.. and you come home and grab your bag of coke. and paass out. the euphoria is too much to pass up isnt it? and who is happy? irony and lies.. and hate and love everywhere is too much to handle in this.. "world" i think its morel ike a uncontroled disorganized lump off dryed up clay.. i dunno if we will moveany further... stay in school be happy later? hwow about an equally balanced life.. how about it.. who wants to grow up and look back and regret half their life.. believe in art. even beleive in god. but are religious fanatics happy? nooo fucking way. they are too dissapointed with the rest of the world and disapointed wit htheir failed attempts to convert the whole damn thing. peopel are dumb and we repeat as every sitcom every cartoon every childhood brain washing tool...

scream.

ashes ashes... we all fall down dont we?


No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Just like I swallowed half my stash
I never ever want to crash
No hesitation, no delay
You come on just like special K
Now you're back with dope demand
I'm on sinking sand
Gravity
No escaping gravity
Gravity
No escaping... not for free
I fall down... hit the ground
Make a heavy sound
Every time you seem to come around

current mood: depressed

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Saturday, August 13th, 2005
1:08 am - Brain Dispenser
Brain Dispenser
Journal Entry: Fri Aug 12, 2005, 7:40 PM

I feel like im deteriorating lately.
I'm not worrying.... well i am alittle.. but...

I'm not feeling...
I want whats in my head and i cant get to the visions the places...

I swear i keep trying but i get .. further down..
I'm leaving.. ive been leaving

Fuck all you mother fucking cunts...

mumbling under your breath.. i swear to god... im going to end up breaking a chair over my dads head.... i cant stand... him talking to himself.. holding conversations

conversations he doesnt know he has..


and my mother .... i will laugh forever if she grows up before i do.



i layed in bed for hours again..
awww emo fuck crawled under the covers to hide her pain today
motherfuckingcunts.


i swear the next time someone says oo kaitlyn christine... you are so emo! i swear.. i dont need it. emo doesnt need cunts around...


the next time i get left out.. the next time i get locked in the cabnet...... the next time i am lied to... i wont ... beLIEve.
neat huh?


tv.... is disgusting and holds.... hell..... the eternal bunring fire within the idiot box... has been..
growing
bigger
ever year...

The whole living room smells like a bar.. i wish dad wouldnt do that. he goes to a bar and when he comes home he smells more like cigarettes than i do.

I love to smoke because my brain loves to smoke. i do wat my brain tells me to do. I guess you could say it controls me.



lately my body has been falling apart...
and my fingers go numb... when i sit a certain way... i cant sleep because every which turning... disrupts my blood flow... my veins are too sensitive.. would if i dont stop.. bleeding... i mean it gets heavy and the blood... drips and splashes over my hands and paper cups and my mirror.. is spotted.. speckled with dna.


lately, my brain has been deteriorating..



I am not on drugs. tonight i sound stoned
tonight it may seem as though the fingers which hit this sticky clicky keys are conected to a brain which is high as a kite
but they are not. some nights... i sit here....

coverd in bugs. but im not coverd... bugs .. come out... alot .. i dont like it.. big fucking spiders.




some people some people some people yeah they call me insaaane....

someepople.. say i am weird all the time and there for.. its as if no one can handle me. some people get strange... msot people hide it and then their are those ... like me. but there arent those like me there is just i and myself. and sometimes ... bad things happen. i dont want to be alone! i dont. i dont like to be lost and crazy.


sometimes.. the bus driver misses your stop and there you are 5 years old gripping onto the brown leathery peeling seat infront of your face... swaying and bobbing to the lack of working seat belts. and the pink rainy sky over apartments.. and streets you have never seen... flip by and the big 5th grader reasures your wide eyes...

the next time someone thinks of children and looks at me

the next time someone says "sex" and looks at me.

everyone, learn.. pay attention to the fact that iii am a virgin.

I smeelll like someone who hasnt showerd all day.. i didnt have enough motherfuckingcocksucking will to clean this body im stuck in.



queen elizabeth was soo not a virgin.



i would love to smoke weed.. at this moment.

fuck up this body.

The big vein under my chin pulses and reminds me that its there... and its hurting and its stuck..

i wait for the day when the blood clots and i turn to rubber.





i cant believe...
in anything,








::Takes bow::

This has been another free write,
brought to you by The number B and, Kaitlyn.


Thats whats really up inside my head, but i promise i'll try not to type liek that too much it scares me.






the phones ringing.....

ah kristen is comin to get american history x.

that was a really fuckin good movie

havnt had a political discussion like that in a while... i love opening eyes..... well more i love my eyes being opened..

i want my belly button pierced.. noooooow.
i dont think i want anything more than that right now and that makes me think damn.

I
have
nothing.
I
want
nothing
I
crave
nothing


I live for nothing.


I don't think i'm right enough to have someone for me anytime soon.. much less stable.. but im pretty good... acutally im more stable than i usually am.

I feel like my brains health is better than my bodies health at least... lately...


I'm stronger than you think and im going to prove the bitches wrong one day.



download bloodsport by sneaker pimps



drive and drink carefully
sit thru brainwashing carefully kids
be safe when your brushing the crocks teeth child....
tick
tock



chaaa ching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

money saving suicide? i think so.


where is my tongue ... where are my words off to to day


i think a tongue ring is soo nat
i think nipple rings are soo amanda
i think one earing is soo john
i think one nipple ring is soo tom
i think the cuff ring is soo my sister
i think lip ring is very leigh
i think eyebrow ring is so jessy

so wat do i get? ::
i want.. belly ring.. garr im going in on the attack soon... im trying to figure out the right time to pounce for piercing...
god why cant we all jsut be beautifl with artistic expression...


motherfucking bitch ccccunt..... i hate.... i dispize....




listening to:
Deftones-
Minerva

I think its sweet of you.....


I like sneaker pimps.

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
12:22 am - Intoxicated, With the Madness. I'm in Love With, My Sadness.
So I actualy played around with lj. I feel real accomplished cuz I acutaly did this. So i sat on this thing for liek 4 hours. yeah. man this day was so blank. I jsut sat outisde, and stuff but I felt like thats wat I wanted to do. but i should do stuff this week. I leave for ny like thursday. Aough I need jessy here. I need someone to come out here and watch a movie with me. damn you people and your being grounded. Damn my sister and her getting a job. I feel more complete tonight, like I'm set for getting back in touch with the world. School disconected myself from.. my self. and everyone else. I wanna get high. I wanna dance. I want to talk to someone for hours that Ive never talked to before. or just havn't got to know yet. I want to lay outside and watch the sky. I need someone to do these things with me. damn it. I think I would love to be high right now this second. damn. i think I'm in love with mary once more. we had such a tough break up and everything, but I came crawling back. psh. o well. i feel free. i feel lonely though. I want someone to be with me. not bee with me. but I'm in my house, in the dark, typing to myself. and i would love some kind of human other than my parents in this stupid empty building. I guy preferably. I feel weird. kaitlyn you always feel weird. i think this is the most pointless journal that I have ever written. I'm in the mood for bread and butter. the time is... 12:31 am. Am i really this blank? am i really this bland and boring... I think im thinkin like natalie.. since hse smoked pot she started talking liek me. shes got my mind set.. that im happy and sad and i want to go on an adventure... thinking crazy thoughts like that.. im def happy and sad.. and she was speaking of her lonliness.. and wat not. ha! thats all im talkin about. man. sooo. i guess im jsut here.. i need to see.. kristen, and kierra.. this week. like now. cept not now cuz i wasnt in the mood for talking to peopel today.. ya know. like alot of other days. im talking crazy. this is crazy talk.. this is maaddnesss. im mad. we'er alll mad. i want to fucking play some god damn video games but i dont haave any. >.< aw johnw offered to buy a new game and let me barrow it and the ds for again. ive been playin mario on it like all day. i duno man. i dunno.... i feel like everyhing that bothered me has been lifted so i can do the things i like doing again like .. talking and seeing people and playing guitar. yes ive been playing guitar again and you shuld all be proud that i picked the damn thing up. i wish i could be as good as tom man. if i was, then i would feel like i had purpose in life. i bet thats the only reason he feels he has purpose in life.. actually im most def positive it is. gough being that in touch with all the sounds.. all the music.. the wonderfulness i would be so happy if i could.. get into that place. but im not. but im still ok with guitar. im not bad. wait yes i am. me and manda are gonna have a movie night.. shes never seen the crow before and i have yet to see pulp fiction and the lost boys soo... yea def gonna happen but she doesnt get off grounding till sunday. pshgkg. im retarded. i want to have the ability to conect with the sound and create the sounds from my head.. i guess this is teh frustration that someone that invisions soo amny things .. but cant draw at all feels.. like tthat things holding them back.. im the only thing holding myself back ok? yeah. if anyone has a problem with me.. i would love them to talk to me bout it from now on... alriiight? yes. please do. cuz if i feel like theres a problem im jst gonna go insane.. with not knowing.. this isnt even directed at anything i just with the insecurness.. i dunno i just know how i get. im rambling and should sleep now...

current mood: accomplished

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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
7:34 am - Get Crazy with the Cheese Wiz
Get Crazy with the Cheese Wiz
Journal Entry: Sun Jan 30, 2005, 7:34 PM
i have kissed someone....
on the cheek. - yes
on the lips. - yes
on their hands or fingers. - yes
in my room. - yes
in their room. - yes
of the same sex. - yes
of the opposite sex. - yes
related to me. - of course i would kiss momy and daddy good night..
younger than me. - yes
older than me. - yes
with jet black hair. - yes
with curley hair. - yes
with blonde hair & blue eyes. - not yet..
with flamming red hair. - yes hehe, kevin
with straight hair. - yes
smaller/shorter than me. - yes
bigger/taller than me. - yes
with a lip ring. - *drools* i wish
who was drunk. - yes
who was high. - yup
who I had just met. - no
who was homosexual. - maybe?
who I didn't really want to kiss. - you know you want to kiiiisss me!
on a holiday. - yes
who was going out with someone close to me. - no
who was my good friend's brother or sister. - no
who had been/is in jail. - rehab..
in a graveyard. - that'd be cool
at a show/concert. - If i had been to a concert yeah
at the beach. - hawaii ha.
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water. - hahaha yes
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with. - yes, jason
with dyed hair. - yes
with a shaved head. - noo
who was/is in a band. - tom should be in a band.
who has tattoos. - jason
who is of a completely different race then me. - yes tom tran asian! and kierra.
in the rain. - yes tom
in another continent besides where I was born. - no
with an accent. - no
with an std. - tom might be dirty o.o
on a boat. - no
in a car/taxi/bus. - yes
on a plane. - no
at the circus/carnival. - no..
with a missing body part. - ek no.
in the movies. - ofcourse!
eskimo style. - ehehehe yes

Last cigarette: 2 weeks ago
Last car ride: two days ago
Last kiss: 2 months?
Last good cry: last weekend i cried yesterday after watching Garden State
Last book read: farhenheit 451
Last movie seen in theatres: the grudge
Last thing eaten: specian K
Last crush: tom, now johnT
Last phone call: yesterday, kristen
Last time showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: Vans
Last item bought: reecees cups
Last annoyance: john lol
Last time wanting to die: the first time, two weeks ago
Do you do drugs? pot sometimes.
What kind of shampoo do you use? Oasis
What are you most scared of? long thin needles going under my skin, death, being completly alone
What are you listening to right now? Beck- loser
How many buddies are online? 20, but im only talk to 5
What would you change about yourself? I would have slightly darker skin tone, dark hair, no pimples, leaner legs and arms, a belly button ring, no smile lines. I would not be so paranoid, or worried, I would be emotionaly stable!

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Monday, November 29th, 2004
7:36 am - About a Girl
About a Girl Journal Entry: Mon Nov 29, 2004, 7:36 PM

10>Bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. The Vines3. Nirvana
4. Incubus
5. Slipknot
6. Sublime
7. Oasis
8. System of a Down
9. Green Day10. Korn

9>Things you look forward to:
1. sleep.
2. the thing I’m waiting for- I don’t know what it is yet.
3. when something interesting will happen that isn’t bad.
4. talking to someone I’m not pissing off.
5. night time.
6. when its perfectly warm and breezy outside.
7. when there aren’t assholes to look forward to at school.
8. when I am heard.
9. when I will get the god damn motivation to pick up my guitar more often.

8>Things you like to wear:
1. sexay socks.
2. baggy pajamas.
3. Pj’s belt.
4. Johns t’s hoodie.
5. Pj, Tom, and Johns w’s trench coats.
6. eyeliner.
7. jeans.
8. I like to play dress up.

7>Things that anger you:
1. ignorance.
2. snotty shallow people.
3. close minded people.
4. screw5. this
6. V7. *see my hate list*

6>Things you say most days:
1. fuck.
2. shit.
3. screw.
4. that fat ho… god damn pretty pony
5. haha, your just mad cause your dead!
6. I love you.

5>Things you do everyday:
1. wish I was sleeping.
2. shower.
3. think of dead things I would love to poke.
4. I eat and breathe some days.
5. reminisce.

4> eople you want to spend more time with:
1. select people that don’t understand me yet.
2. Brandon Boyd.
3. Kurt Cobain.
4. Hendrix.

3>Movies you could watch over and over again:
1. any of my favs
2. yeah.. those
3. …the “Everyone Else has Had More Sex than Me” video

2>Of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. This is your life- switchfoot
2. Schiffty Five!

1> erson you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. john.

NUMBER OF:-
- height: 5’5
- shoe size: 6 ½ or 7
- hair color: red, brown.
- siblings: sister Jessica, 19

LAST:-
- movie you rented: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,Shrek2
- movie you bought: Harry Potter Prisoner of Azkaban.
- song you listened to: Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Dosed
- song that was stuck in your head: SlipKnot- Vermillion pt.2
- person you've called: John.
- person that's called you: Amanda.
- show you've watched: The Simpsons.
- person you were thinking of: I’m thinking of a bunch of people all the time… Kristen.DO:
- you have a crush on someone: yes.
- you wish you could live somewhere else: Hell yes.
- you believe in online dating: no.
- others find you attractive: some do some don’t.
- you want more piercings: yeah, belly button and a few more on ears.
- you like cleaning: I like being clean, not the process, though I find my self doing it when I get bored…
-you write in cursive or print: sloppy, beautiful print.

FAVORITE:
- food: cheese, sushi, brownies, ziti, artichoke dip-
thing to do: sleep, cuddle, hug, laugh, forget, and think.
- drinks: Dr.Pepper, vodka, POP
- clothes: My wench dress I wore for Halloween.
- movies: Butterfly Effect, Monty Python holy grail, LOTR, Almost Famous, Nightmare Before Christmas, The Last Unicorn, Labyrinth, Interview with a Vampire.
- holiday: Halloween

HAVE YOU:
- ever cried over a girl: I think so.
- ever cried over a boy: Yes.
- ever been in a fist fight: I can’t punch hard unless I’m about to kill someone, and so far no ones worth me wasting that kind of energy.
- ever been arrested: so close, should have been, but the fuckin bacon sticks haven’t gotten to me yet!

WHAT- shampoo do you use: Herbal Essences
- shoes do you wear: black Vans I’ve had since for 3 years. Only that’s stuck with me.
- are you scared of: long thin needles, being raped, losing everyone around me.
- number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: John Amanda, Mom Dad, my sister.

FAVORITE:- Disney movie: Pinoccio, - word: “apparently”
- nickname: Katie, Kat-lyann, gerbsicle,
-eye color: grey blue though mine are light brown.
- flower: Tiger LillysDO YOU THINK YOU ARE:
- pretty: thats all relative.
- funny: sometimes.
- hot: some seem to think so.
- friendly: unless I fucking hate you.
- amusing: seems like I am.
STOP MOCKING ME.
- ugly: always.
- loveable: Possibly.
- sweet: but feisty.
- dorky: I couldn’t even begin to hide it

… “You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

”DESCRIBE YOUR:
[ x ] Wallet – Mudd grey.. thing.. owns but a few singles, expired gift certificates, three years of school IDs, and once held some free cookie coupons.
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – my BATMAN WATCH, necklace that says “Katlyn(spelled wrong) is cool” in little square beads, 5 earrings always
[ x ] Pillow cover – pink blue green yellow plaid… my sheets are weird.
[ x ] Underwear - black
[ x ] Favorite shirt – black thin shirt with purple faerie and stars on it.
[ x ] Perfume/cologne – Ax.
[ x ] CD in stereo right now – Astrid Haven- Lullabiotics
[ x ] What you are wearing now – my Simpson’s, Ralph, “I’m special!” shirt
[ x ] In my mouth – tongue that loves to dance.
[ x ] In my head – a potato plugged into the electrodes attached to my skull.
[ x ] Wishing – I knew what to do.
[ x ] After this – thinking about homework and sleep, but only accomplishing an hour of sitting.
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now – Andy and Renee for many reasons.
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month- sleep, then the weekend, then x-mas.
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood – yes, tastes like olives.
[ x ] Do you believe in love – yes very much so. Though the “fun” part of loving someone may go away, there’s always love. People shouldn’t set their expectations of love to be a constant honey moon..
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven – I wish I could.
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die – toss me in the woods.
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – a llama, or ferret.
[ x ] What's your favorite coin – rupees.FINALLY!!! its over!
~Kaitlyn~

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